I am going to try typing this without crying and I know I will fail.
Also I hate making it so dramatic, but despite my general tendency to overthink and over analyse, this truly is a pretty dramatic deal for me.
I have never ever been a naturally athletic or sporty person, ever since I was a child. I never particularly enjoyed movement in general and I had no natural talent for it. I remember going to my dance classes as a child and later as in my teens, or even going to the dreaded PE classes. Some kids were naturally super flexible and strong or coordinated. I was never none of that, nor did I develop any skills in time.
To top it all off, I had wonderful PE teachers that had a real good time openly making fun of me and the few other kids who were bad. Which in turn triggered mockery from my classmates. Mix that with my already insecure and introverted personality, plus the fact that I was very self conscious of being chubby, and I don’t it’s an overstatement to say that I was traumatised by physical activity from a pretty young age.
Then I had the brilliant idea of getting myself an eating disorder at the age of 16. I lost a lot of weight, I lost so much weight that there was nothing else to take from other than bone and muscle mass. I remember a doctor telling me that I had the bones and muscles of a 70 year old woman. The thick of it lasted probably 6-7 years, and during that time I stopped even my dance classes which was the only form of movement that I did. And from then on, I never even tried to do anything ever again.
I the following years I had 2 relapses, one major one, one smaller one, my weight has gone up and down, overweight, in range, underweight, I am fairly sure I’ve gone through phases of binge eating as well. A whole mess. A few times I tried forcing myself to go the gym, do some cardio or something, but without ever really knowing what I was doing, it never lasted more than a few weeks cause it just made me feel worse about myself. And then I felt even worse cause I’d given up.
I’m saying all this to paint a clear picture of just how damaged my mental health and my relationship to my body has been. I can’t put it into words.
When I moved to this area I decided give another go to this gym thing. Maybe find a PT that would force me to do stuff. Found one, but then she moved away, found another one, she also moved away – all within maybe a month or two. I don’t remember particularly enjoying what I was doing with them anyway, it all felt kind of scattered and random.
Before the second girl left she recommended I contact Polina. But at that point I was already discouraged, so I took her number and went back to my sedentary life.
It wasn’t until maybe a year and a half later, maybe even two, that I found the courage and a little spark of motivation to try one more time. So I got in touch with Polina – looking back now, how I wish I’d done it sooner.
The truth is I had no idea what I was getting into, I never really went thinking “I want to lift weights” cause I didn’t even know that was an option, I was so completely clueless! What a random act of kindness from the universe that was. I’ve been training with Polina for about two and a half years now, although it’s only become most consistent during the last year and a half I would say.
I’ve learnt so much, I don’t even know where to start. One huge thing that she taught me is that progress is not linear and it’s different for everyone. Where I am now is probably where most people would be right when they start!
But my starting point was probably extremely far from most people’s. Sometimes I feel frustrated comparing myself to others, but there is no point, everyone’s on their own journey. All I can do is my best, and progress will come in the time that is right for me.
Polina has truly helped me understand that, and one thing that I can’t emphasise enough is that I have NEVER felt judged. That’s something I’ve always been immensely afraid of. If I can’t do something she’ll break it down into smaller pieces, she’ll show me drills and focus on technique and smaller building blocks until I can figure out how to do the thing. For however long it takes. And she will always be there every step of the way, never diminishing your efforts, always celebrating every achievement big or small.
You’re pushed to go a little further than you think you can in a way that makes you want to get there, rather than in a way that makes you scared of failing.
Also if there was ever someone who fits the phrase “going above and beyond” perfectly, it has to be Polina. She’s so generous and caring and she’ll always check on you, always do the most for people. Beyond even training. She knows each and every one of us so well, she knows what each single person needs, how they need to be spoken to.
No wonder there is such a lovely small community of people training with her. That is another thing I was completely terrified of when I started, I didn’t want to train with someone else because I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I slowly eased my way into group sessions and now I love it, because everyone is so lovely and supportive and encouraging, no one’s there judging or sneering or feeling superior, it’s just such a wonderful group of people. They all inspire me, as cheesy as it sounds.
I never, ever in my life would have thought I could one day walk into a gym, go grab a barbell and a rack and do my thing in the middle of a bunch of gymbros and mega fit people. NEVER. And yet here we are. And yes, it can still be intimidating at times, but I want to do it so I do, and when my head starts telling me that everyone must be laughing at me I just think – if they are, that’s their problem. I’m just trying to improve myself and this is the only way I will. And it feels so good! It’s empowering.
Turns out lifting weights and learning all the different forms and techniques is challenging, fun and rewarding. It’s such an invigorating feeling when you are there focussing, coordinating all the different parts and tuning your body and your mind. It feels great to have a goal, an objective, and work towards it.
Again I hate to be so melodramatic, but I have spent all my life completely swallowed up, crippled and oppressed by what my body looked like. Sadly I don’t think that will ever go away, BUT for the first time in my life I am now excited to see what my body can DO. Excited to be getting stronger, to learn new movements, to actually feel the need to move.
I am so eager to continue on this journey, it’s been such a learning curve and I feel like every day I am become more and more passionate about it.
I really want to keep working on bettering myself and I am genuinely so excited to go forward knowing how much I enjoy it now!
Forever grateful ❤️